The Real War on Thanksgiving

YouTube Version:

No doubt by now you have seen a plethora of social-media pleas advising people to abstain from patronizing retail bastions of American capitalism such as Walmart, Target, and Best Buy.

While this effort to save Thanksgiving from the clutches of commercialism is  admirable, I feel compelled to suggest that you consider boycotting a much more sinister organization.

The Nationalized Football League has yet again chosen to host multiple games on Thanksgiving Day.

Games will commence at 12:30 PM EST with the final game concluding at around 11:30 PM EST.  Pre and post-game commentary extends this duration by several hours if not days.

This schedule evidences the NFL’s disdain for the American family, which invariably consists of: a male husband and female wife, 2.65 well-behaved and courteous children, endearing relatives, and stalwart Judeo-Christian faith.

While watching 45 males of varying ethnicities wearing Spanx chase the skin of a deceased pig across a horizontal rectangle filled with vertical lines may seem like an innocuous activity to many, one needs to be made aware of these sobering realities:

  • Even the highest paid player with multiple national endorsements and mistresses is FORCED to play on this holiest of days, often without overtime compensation.
  • Only 45/53 roster members are allowed to be active on game day. The remaining 8 players provide mandatory steroid injections for active players between innings.
  • Frequent outbursts by head coaches, assistant coaches, and junior assistant coaches are tell-tale signs of the stresses associated with being separated from estranged family and fake friends.
  • Food vendors are obligated to serve bacon-stuffed hot dogs and deep-fried beer to children. Expect to pay at least $500.00 to feed a family of 4.
  • Let’s not forget the merchandise vendors charging $40.00 for a t-shirt.
  • Parking lot attendants work diligently to guide drunk-drivers by pointing in the same direction illustrated by countless metallic and electronic signs.
  • Armed security guards are necessary to keep bitter clinging, second amendment zealots from turning the stadium into a practice range.
  • Additional police officers are employed to keep recreational socialist marijuana addicts from sharing used syringes with infants and pregnant mothers.
  • Janitorial and maintenance staff do the grunt work of disposing the frozen bodies of painted, half-naked male fans.
  • Legions of announcers, camera men, technical, and studio staff have the thankless job of documenting what is essentially the exact same sequence of events that occurred the previous week and will occur the following week.

In addition to the hardships endured by NFL players and staff noted above, one also needs to consider the NFL’s negative impact on the American family:

  • 99% of families will refuse to visit their elderly relatives in nursing homes. The few that do will only do so only during half-time.
  • The overwhelming majority of families now eat their 7 course dinners on the couch facing their foreign-made television sets in uncomfortable silence.
  • Men are encouraged to ignore and spite their wives by sporting another man’s name on their back via a football jersey. Could this development, coupled with the NFL’s October “Men Wearing Pink” campaign, be part of a greater nefarious liberal agenda?
  • Pregnant wives resort to drinking copious amounts of Skinny Girl wine as a result of feeling neglected and unappreciated.

In addition to the above indisputable and empirical FACTS, it is also notable that the Nationalized Football League just happens to be a tax-exempt non-profit organization. That’s right, the NFL does not pay federal taxes as a 501(c)(6) entity.

NFL commissioner Robert Goodell made $30 million dollars in 2011 as the head of this lofty non-profit organization. The NFL as an entity claimed a revenue of $9B in 2012 with plans to exceed $25B in the near future.

Mike Duke, CEO of Walmart, made a poultry $20.7 million dollars in 2012 by comparison.  Most people would consider this to be an unjust income disparity.  However, the silence from Reverends Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson is deafening.

Based on the information provided above, I am sure you will agree that the NFL is as guilty of eroding the time-honoured tradition of Thanksgiving as the big evil corporate retail chains.

As we all know, Thanksgiving is that one single day of the year when families are obligated to share a hastily prepared bird and give thanks for Obamacare and The Patriot Act.

Let’s get back to this sacred tradition by boycotting the NFL this Thanksgiving.


Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,